Friday, January 30, 2009

Headlines to watch out for

Okay, much better now. Thanks for your patience.

You'd be surprised how many times I've seen the headline "Mom says I'm a catch," or something similar in my perusal of online personals. It's funny, sure, but having seen it a few too many times now, I'm starting to wonder if maybe I shouldn't go find mom's ad.

Here's an exceptional example of terrible headline writing:

hi ladies, love to have fun!!!! would love to tallk sometime maybe we can go out .
No caps, excess punctuation, typos, an extra space thrown in at the end for good measure, and an epic grammar fail! Hubba hubba!

From the TMI files:
Don't let the word Cancer scare you away!
Cancer's scary, but "herpes" will really keep the ladies at bay.

Abysmal cheese alert:
If Love Is A Labor, I'll Slave 'Til The End.
So if you're looking for a friendly servant...

Ooh, contentless buzzphrasing alert!
Strong yet vulnerable
So's my antiperspirant! Maybe they should date!

Serial comma blunder! (This is of interest only to myself and possibly a handful of technical writers ON THE PLANET! Get ready for some inside baseball writer talk, yo!)
Live, Laugh, Love and Enjoy
I don't care what your high school English teacher taught you, unless "Love and Enjoy" are a single item, put a goddamn comma in there already.

But the win, without a doubt, goes to this headline:
A hot attractive woman is what I need, with a big heart.
This is like the tuna roll of profile headlines -- perfectly proportioned, concise, nutrient dense, tasty. Everyone's ultimate drean, in a few simple words: give me someone hot, attractive, with a big big heart. Yeah. Good luck with that.

Friday, January 23, 2009

On break

I'm taking the weekend to address some minor drug addiction issues (i.e. experiencing the joy of withdrawing from nicotine.) In the meantime, amuse yourselves. I'll be back when my brain isn't screaming, probably about 50 hours from now.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Woman Seeks Cartographer to Fix Her Car

I love looking through the women seeking women ads, especially for the bi-curious ladies who haven't a clue what they want. Case in point:

I am a 30 year old professional who has never been with a woman and would love to fulfill some fantasies. Not interested in gay women.
Talk about the blind leading the blind. This is like asking the yard guy to rewire the house or seeing if your butcher will perform a surgery on you. If you really want to know what it's like to be with a woman, why not go with the experts?

Very Worst Profile of the Day

No pictures on this woman's profile, and this is the entirety of her text:

I'm not going to write too much here. If you want to know more, you'll get in touch with me. And if I want to know more about you, I'll ask you.
Why on earth, when search results spawn a zillion profiles, most with a series of often bad but still extant pictures, would anyone want to know more about Ms. Mysterioso here? There's absolutely no reason to contact her except to let her know just how lame an attempt this profile is.

Yes, of course I thought about it. No, I didn't bother.

Woman Seeks To Expand Her Personal Psychodrama

This is just awesome!

hey there......im in search of a woman not a girl to have some fun with. My bf and i would just like to find someone who want to hang out and spend some time together. (ps ) and for the haters out there (Stephanie) when i say bf i mean best friend.....so get it right b4 you want to text him and tell some bull stories......lol....i took another one from ya huh???
Oh. My. God!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Man Seeking Caveats

The forums and message boards on the dating sites are home to many discussions about profiles calling for casual hookups. In general, women state their opposition, and men state something very much like this, taken from an actual profile:

***first off, its says I'm looking for casual sex. This is an OPTION.
Actually, this is a fantasy. Look, in my experience, any date can turn into a one night stand and any not-quite-right budding relationship can be negotiated into a friends with benefits situation, at least in the short term. There's no reason to advertise for it, and I suspect that in general it does act as girl repellent to do so.
If you are also looking for casual sex, and you or I aren't seeing anyone, I'm down.
Wow, a guy who's down for casual sex. What a rarity.
But I won't initiate it or even bring it up.
Because he's already been told to back off by women who find his approach utterly redundant.
If you want something, come get it.
How about a less verbal guy?
If not, then I'll treat you like a friend or maybe something more.
He's really struggling here, isn't he?
If you think that's perverted or don't get it, that' ok too.
What are the odds that he'd meet a woman who doesn't know that men are often open to casual sex? And if he did, what are the odds that he'd have any idea how to create a relationship with her?

Not enjoying traditional online dating?

Maybe you should try Conjugal Harmony. Upside: you'll always know where your mate is. Downside: You usually only get to see your mate behind bulletproof glass.

It says a lot about both me and this site that I can't actually tell if it's fake. The FAQ certainly could be real. Plenty about it appears jokey. As Plenty of Fish tells you in the e-mail entry screen, "DO NOT GIVE MONEY TO ANYONE."

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What's with all the good profiles?

Sometimes it happens that as I scroll through dozens and dozens of profiles looking for things that are spectacularly bad, I run across dozens and dozens of really decent seeming people who've posted really good profiles.

You are not helpful to me.

Combative Man Seeks Blind Woman

Then there are those whose frustrations with dating and online dating boil over into a profile geared toward alienating the reader. This 29-year-old man is angry. Why?

I have been told that the reason why none of you ladies will even talk to me is because there is no pic.
That's very likely true.
Would a pic really make you talk to me?
Um, a pic and this profile would not make a lady talk to you.
I dont think so. Here is why...You base an entire persons belief, attitude, and character on a pic.
Ah, so the use of pictures of yourself on profiles about yourself actually indicates narrow thinking on the part of the bulk of the site's users. Excellent. Please continue:
You take no time to assess anyone by merely chatting with them.
Why would anyone chat with this guy? He's obviously angry, and the lack of a picture suggests a deep insecurity about his looks. While there may be women looking for angry, insecure guys... well.
In a nutshell, most are showy, superficial, judgemental people.
Wow. Tell us more about your hatred for humanity. It's so attractive.
The very people in their profile they are trying to avoid.
Is there anything nice, or open, or gentle, or even interesting about this guy?
Hypocrisy if I ever did see it.
No, I guess not.
Just remember that character, intelligence, wit, and personality stay with a person for life.
But dude, really, if your personality sucks, that's no selling point.
Beauty fades, withers and becomes old.
This is something said almost exclusively by people who consider themselves ugly. It's very sad. He's 29. If he hasn't noticed that he's gotten more awesome over time, he's really a troubled dude.
Physical attraction is fleeting.
Is it really? Maybe he's never had a long relationship.
Take the time to know someone before you ever judge someone. I do not judge you before I know you.
Except, you know, he obviously already has.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Woman Seeks A Pen to Rewrite Past

I'm all for musings, I really am, but this poor woman needs a friend with benefits and a healthy dose of anti-depressants.

Hi im very new to puttin myself out in internet land.
Well welcome!
Turnin 30. a new chapter in my life. and single who would have thought.
I'm guessing her ex is a copy editor who just couldn't take it anymore.
is there any one out there that would like to have a loving, genuine, down to earth relationship that is real.
No honey, you have to go to eHarmony for that.
i think i spent too much time on my last relationship worrying about stuff that wasn't even real.
Whoa. Did we date?
Reality! open your eyes. look around.
Oh, see, you learn one thing and suddenly you think it's the answer to everything.
life is beautiful and were all missing it!
Nothing bothers me quite as much when I'm wrapped up in a blanket on my couch alone at night writing these entries as profiles that tell me that I'm missing out on life.
goes by fast. and before you know it. time to turn the page.
I recommend Welbutrin, but exercise and sunshine are also excellent approaches to handling depression.

One of the great flaws of the free-to-post online dating system is that anyone, in any condition of heartbreak, can post away. Not over your ex? Rant a little! Still bummed about your past mistakes? Go ahead and kick yourself in public! Sometimes our sorrows are too great to hide, and when that's the case, the answer isn't an online dating profile. It's a good, real life friend.

Need a boyfriend?

Let Ellen DeGeneres help. The Chicago Tribune doesn't clarify whether her offer is only good for other famous people, but she's always seemed so likable and helpful. Oh, the talk show circuit. If you need a car, you go see Oprah. If you need a man, ironically enough, you go see Ellen.

Insane Woman Seeks Enduring Rock Legend.

I got very, very excited when I came across this profile right up until I worked down to paragraph 32 and found that the writer does in fact have a serious disability. Imagine my disappointment.

Still, some of this is GOLD, and I just can't help myself. But I'll spare you the part where she quotes the entirety of John Lennon's "Watching the Wheels." Not. Kidding.

Yes dear friends, I am evil.

I'M VERY UNDERSTANDING PERSON NOT THOSE LADIES ME ME ME ME SPEND MORE TIME UKNOW IF BUT, IF YOU KEPT ON SAYING TO ME I'M BUSY BUSY BUSY THAN WHY U R HERE PICKING UP WOMAN
Believe me, as I peruse these fantastical websites, I often wonder: Why U R here picking up woman? There be better places for woman picking up. Why you must surf and mock so? Climb if you must. Fly if you will.
FOR BUTIF YOU EXPLANE IT TO ME IT OKAY JUST DON'T ME HANGING. IF YOU HAVE KIDS KIDS COME FIRST YOU WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOUR MAN BUDDIES COOL.
Man Buddies. So good, I just had to repeat it.
BUT, IF U PUSH ME AWAY ALL THE TIME WHEN I'M TRYING TO BE MORE THAN FARE TO U.LIKE MY EXESBOYFRINDS
Cue the Psycho music, please.
THAN I DON'T SAY IT JUST GIVE U A CHANCE BY ME CALLING YOU OR WRITTEN TO U TO SEE WHAT'S WRONG
I'm guessing that it's more than just a single call or e-mail. I'm guessing that it's days of dozens of calls and e-mails.
IF YOU DON'T CALL OR WRITE THAN I'LL BE UR FRIEND IF YOU NEED IT BUT, THAT'S IT.
Whoa -- kick her, then kick her again, and she'll still be your friend! You know, if you want one. She'll be that. I NEED YOU NEED YOU NEED YOU NEED YOU DON'T LET ME GO. Yeah, that's a paraphrase. Run guys, run.

So people get lonely when the economy sucks

The Lawrence Journal-World (of Kansas. I've always loved the name of that paper) sends forth an LA Times piece (good luck finding anything in the LA Times) called "There's no recession for online dating." Thank you God. Best "Worst of the Personals" paragraph in the piece:

In addition to “this cougar is looking for her prey” and other come-ons, singles are now headlining their posts with more somber come-hithers, such as “it’s a gloomy time of year and I’m not talking about the rain” or “need hot girlfriend, will provide food.”
You know the economy sucks when you have to provide food. Slackers, get your own meal.

Tall Woman Seeks Love. And Distance.

She gets points for honesty about the timing, but it's pretty clear that though she'd like to meet The Guy, she's not quite ready yet...

Tall soon to be single woman looking for tall single man!
Tall people are hot together.
I am not legally divorced but will be in the near future.
It makes you wonder if the ex is in the next room, doesn't it?
The end has come a long time ago so please don't think I'm on the rebound.
And then that jag into passive voice... ooh. Applying my decoder ring: She is on the rebound! Look at that!
I am definitely ready for a new healthy relationship!
Because she grew tired of her old healthy relationship?
Please no dishonesty.
These types of sentences, especially in this context, give me sad face. Oh, and the ex is definitely in the next room.
Let's chat online first for a while before we move to the phone or meet in person.
Hey you! C'mere! Okay, now Go Away! Okay! Now C'mere!
I am not looking for a quick meet and a quick hookup.
No, she wants to do emotional pushups with you as the floor.
I would prefer to chat online first to get to know each other better.
Wait, I thought "chat online" was code for "masturbate in front of your computer." Hm, perhaps I reveal too much.
If that isn't acceptable then I understand and I am definitely not the girl for you.
C'mere! Go away!

She'll be fine in a few months, once she realizes how lonely it is to cuddle with yourself after online chats. I mean, so I've heard.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Sunday SINsational Round Up

These are men bold enough to speak for themselves. And unwise enough to try.

Gentleman A, whose pictures were not captioned, so we have no way of charting his weight loss odyssey.

ok i have new pics now but not here the 1 here is old i have lost 35lbs so now getting riped up but if u like 2 see them u will have 2 ask and if u r mean or shallow or 2 good 4 everybody else just move on ....up date i have lost 80 lbs now well b putting up new pics soon been working out like a mad man lol
In case you're wondering, I ridicule the writing, not the person, that's why no pix. He's clearly working hard, unlike his profile.

Next up: The Performance Poet. Grab your beret and get to snappin, friends.
I'm an angel, I'm a devil, I am sometimes in between. I'm as bad as it can get, And good as it can be. Sometimes I'm a million colors. Sometimes I'm black and white. I am all extremes. Try figure me out. You never can. There's so many things I am. I am special. I am Sexy. I am wonderful And powerful, Unstoppable. Sometimes I'm miserable, Sometimes I'm pitiful, But that's so typical of all the things I am. I'm someone filled with self-belief And haunted by self-doubt. I've got all the answers. I've got nothing figured out. I like to be by myself. I hate to be alone. I'm up and I am down. But that's part of the thrill, Part of the plan, Part of all of the things I am. I'm a million contradictions. Sometimes I make no sense. Sometimes I'm perfect. Sometimes I'm a mess. Sometimes I'm not sure who I am.
Yeah yeah, he's 32 flavors and then some.

This one we call The Dreamer:
My hobbies are makeing movies with my friends hanging out with friends going to horror shows and movies. I was a pro mauy thai champ I had to quit from injurys.goals I would like to wright a hit movie thats just one of my goals have lots of goals and dreams.
I drank enough Mai Thais to get an injury once. Bad night, worse morning. Never again, peeps. Now I wright.

This one is just Constantly Wrong About Everything:
Once upon a time relationships were easier, people didn't lie and cheat, and both people in the relationship would put forth the effort to make sure they did the best they could to live happily ever after!! Since we don't seem to live in those times you are sitting here reading what i wrote because we are both looking to meet the person that will live up to what the others have not!
Oh how I long for the simpler times when women were property, divorce was illegal, and there was no so such thing as birth control.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Websites Your Parents Think Exist

From College Humor:

Couple Seeks Wal-Mart Shoppers

I'm telling you, these just write themselves...

First and foremost, if you cannot take the time to read my profile then you prolly wont listen to what i have to say nor respect me, I am NOT interested in daiting a girl AND her man, or being with a girl AND letting your man watch PERIOD, I am looking for a girl for ME AND MY HUBBY, nothing else.
Angry: check. Defensive: check.
I am a 5 feet 1 inches tall and have long long brown hair, brown eyes, and have my belly button pearced.
In the security biz, they would call her non-descript but trampish.
I have a wonderful husband who has brown hair, and hazil-green eyes. He is 5 foot 2 inches tall.
Wait for it...
We been together a year and five months.
Wait for it...
We met in a Wal-Mart parking lot where he was contracted to walmart as a parking lot security patrol officer, thru the security agency he worked for.
OH YES!!! Wow dude, in fifth grade, I was part of my school's security patrol, so I know exactly what this guy goes through, day in and day out.
He looks awsome in his uniform, I'm just glad that out of all the women he met while working there, that I was the one he wanted, and perposed marrage to.
See, there is someone for everyone.
yes ladys he still works in security enforcement. and I am still the reason that he rushes home to be with each night.
Aw, the honeymoon hasn't ended.
I am bi sexual and he is straight and lately we have given caution to the wind and have desided to make fanticys of ours a reality,
Wait for it...
My husband and I had a live in girlfriend for about two months,
YES!! Rock on kinky rural folks!
she was every thing we ever wanted and needed, we took care of her, fed her, supporting her smoking habbit, ect.
Oh. I sense this isn't going well.
while she sat around doing nothing most of the time,
Uh-oh.
and spending the rest of the time flirting with men on the computer,
Ooh...
calling them, and eventualy running off with them.
Zoinks! Who could imagined that a couple's third might turn out be kind of skanky?
we could not take being hurt this way any more,
Kinda like on Big Love, when the husband and first wife have their affair. But not.
and could no longer deal with the fact that she would only call me her girl friend in front of certain people and only called my husband her boyfriend once in our house,
These people actually do want a lot.
but to every one else we were just people she stayed with,
Who had gigantic expectations about her but fundamentally sought to use her as a sexual device.
thus with a painful heart we had to ask her to choose between us or the guys on the computer, and she left.
Shocking!
so now we search for one hot chick to share in the deep love we have for each other and all the bennifits of this deep love (wink wink)
Have you tried getting a puppy? It'll chew all your stuff, but with good training and the right attention, it'll always be yours. Just... Don't have sex with it.
I thought this was going to be a christmas to remember, but now I see no reason to celebrate,
Somebody call O'Reilly. We have a Christmas hater.
the day my girl left, all the decorations came down and were thrown away, just like our hearts were.
Wow... kinksters getting a raw deal. Who could have imagined? But at least they took the time to bitch about it on the Internet so that everyone could share in the mirth. And don't worry about those Christmas decorations. Just have hubby pop into the store at the end of his shift and pick up some sale items. Next Christmas is just around the corner.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Man Seeks Rigid Gender Roles

Some profiles I read and feel my chest get tight with anxiety. Hey, everybody has their tastes, but somehow coming across a profile like this reminds me of the deep divides between the young and the old, the urban and the rural, the Red and the Blue.

Hi and thanks for taking time to read my profile.
Hi yourself, Mr. Man!
I consider myself to be one of a dying breed,
He's dying? How sad.
a man who is a true romantic at heart.
Oh. I see.
I am the man who sends flowers to a woman for no reason other than to let her know I am thinking of her.
That's kind of sweet.
The guy who leaves a note in your purse for you to find later so you will know I care,
Is that alongside the flowers? Because there's a fine line between sweet and creepy.
and the fellow who can't wait to get home from work because he cannot wait to see you.
Well at least he's not quitting his job because he can't stand to be away from you.
Yeah, I guess I still believe in the fairy tale romance, because I am looking for a lady who desires to be treated like a princess.
A princess with very little autonomy.
I am Christian gentleman, honest to a fault, a non smoker, non drinker and have never ever used drugs.
Never ever? Did you go to college man?
I have an 15 y/o son who is with me every other weekend and I love children very much. I enjoy watching my son play sports and help with his teams when I am able to.
Involved dads are good.
I enjoy Gospel and Country music.
Funny, I was expecting him to say hip hop.
I also am a very avid camper (in a big camper) and enjoy the outdoors very much.
Oh, he's one of those RV guys. Sorry buddy, that ain't camping.
The mountains and the beach are both great destinations.
For your camper.
I have never been into the bar scene and am not a dancer.
Then I won't hold you closer.
My match will be a lady who desires to have a best friend for life but can proudly say that her best friend is also her soul mate.
Hope springs eternal, no?
Someone who shares some common interests and values with me.
Or, you know, all interests and values.
If you are looking for a true romantic at heart, someone who believes a lady should be treated like a princess and will always be there for you in any situation life may offer us, then drop me a line.
Okay, RE: "Princess", I do not think that word means what he thinks it means. Because princess, actually, is not a synonym for "housewife." Really, I looked it up.
I look forward to getting to know you. Thanks again.
Oh, it just hurts. And yes, this is all judgement and far more about me than about him, but good lord. He can't wait to come home from work to see her, indicating that she better be there waiting for him. No powerful job for her, no business trips, just a penchant for cooking roasts that are ready every weekday at 5:35.

Yes, I'm being unfair. Yes, the guy sounds incredibly decent (if you're into that sort of thing), but there's little in the world that unsettles me more than the male ideal of a compliant woman. He's got it, and if you want to be his little homebound princess in the gilded cage of his romantic fantasy, hit him up.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Bad Openers

Writing students are taught to consider their audience when crafting their work, to try to step out of their own perception of it and look at it from a likely reader's point of view. A standard question that marketing writers ask themselves is, "What does my target audience want?" and the work is then crafted to answer it. Trying to sell a used car to people with little money? Emphasize your client's EZ-Finance plan, not the pricey add-ons.

Trying to sell yourself? Don't start like this:

i am outgoing friendly and a genuinely caring person, maybe too much, tend to be taken advantage of.
If you're in the market for a doormat, this may be your perfect partner!

Here's everyone's fantasy, sort of:
Im looking for a good friend I happen to be attracted to that I can talk to for hours on end.
One sentence in, and I'm already picturing horribly complicated emotional games where we've got this vibe going but for some reason we aren't going there, and then I remember -- I was banished to the friend zone right from the start!

This approach is especially irritating. I think of it as the motivational speaker approach:
Looking for honesty, compassion, ambition, and the desire to improve your life style.
And what exactly is wrong with my lifestyle? And who are you to judge? We've never even met, and I'm pretty sure that's for the best.

Please, online daters, consider your audience when you write these profiles. It's great to squeeze a little of your vulnerability in, and the right mix of out-in-front insecurity certainly can lend a disarming element as you describe your experience accepting the Nobel Prize for Physics that one time, but step lightly. If it helps, just pretend you're a copy editor and some schmuck just handed you a bio. You know, if it helps.

Woman Seeks Cartoonish Romance

If the caps lock thing hurts you the way it hurts me, PREPARE TO BE HURT. This 23 year old woman is looking for a lot, loudly.

TRYING TO FIND HAPPINESS!!!
Okay, okay, just calm down for a sec...
WITH ANOTHER SOUL!
Wait, is she saying she got a second soul to see if it would make her happier than the first? Like maybe she's born again or something? That's so unfair. I think I only got one.
HAHA NOT JUST FEELING LIKE IM WASTING MY TIME UNTIL THEY REALLY PROVE THAT THEY ARE. :(
I made the choice to include the sad face emoticon before the line break, but I honestly have no idea if it goes there. Or even what this sentence-like block of words means. I suspect she's saying that she's waiting to see whether this second soul she's waiting on will prove his/her worth. All in all, there's a lot of waiting going on, which necessitates the sad face emoticon. What a downer.
I AM KIND OF A HOPELESS ROMANTIC....HOPELESS FEELS MORE FAMILIAR THESE DAZE.
Ooh, snap!
BUT! OTHER THAN THAT I WORK ALL THE TIME AND I HAVE A LIL GIRL THATS FREAKING AWESOME!
Please note: A girl "thats" freaking awesome, not a girl "who's" freaking awesome. Unless she means, "I have a li'l girl. That's freaking awesome!" which is certainly an argument one can make, but not with the CAPS LOCK KEY JAMMED IN PLACE, okay?
WE HANG OUT AND EAT FRUITY PEBBLES AND WATCH SPONGEBOB AND YO GABBA GABBA...I CHILL MAN.
Oh, but not nearly enough. In another section of her profile, she does describe herself as "cool and laid back." No joke. Wow.

More on Profile Cliches

Used by permission from OKCupid user Bridymurphy:

On Any Given Day... I Don't Like You.

90% of you, including me, have joined this site for the tests that we gleefully post on myspace/face book/live journal etc. to show all of our friends how savvy and funny we are for taking them. Eventually we all signed up out of obligation and realized the potential of a site like this. But through my deductive reasoning I've concluded that: People who sit around doing tests all day are not that interesting. Moreover, you would not want to meet them.

First off, I'm not slamming OkCupid. I'm slamming you. I am sick of all the stereotypical lines you put in your summary. I realize some of you are here for dating but, I think we all can agree that "You love music". Don't be an ass hat. If one of your traits or qualities were different such as "I hate music" I can understand why you decided to let us know about it. If I hear the classic line "I like long walks on the beach..." I'll have seagulls pick your bones. Have you ever taken a long walk on the beach? I for one, walked 5 miles on a beach and I'll never do it again. It's not romantic when you're sweating your ass off, short of breath and looking out before you at what seems an endless amount of sand. I like to go to the beach and plant my ass down preferably with a cold beverage, my i pod, and a good book.

The other thing I can't stand are the summaries that are like: "I love the winter, but I can't stand being cold. I love breakfast, but I'm not a morning person...etc" What are you trying to tell us? you're a cluster fuck of feelings? I don't know if you're trying to emulate When Harry met Sally or not but, neurotic people are not attractive. I realize some of you are still here solely for the tests. Why did you bother putting a summary here? Either you're fooling yourself, or you really think you're interesting enough to share a tidbit about your life- Something I've already concluded is just not true.

Don't get me wrong though, there are some things that I don't like about Okstupid. The questions they ask on your profile to get a better idea of who you are, are not as revealing as asking a question of what you're not. People are so homogenized these days, that yes, everyone loves food, everyone loves music, and everyone loves hanging out with friends. What don't you like to do? "I don't like bondage, I don't like felching, I don't like guys, I don't suck toes... etc" You get the idea. I can weed out a lot of people with a more relevant list of dislikes, I just prefer to shock you. Listing your dislikes can create solidarity with others ie. "You hate Bill O'Reilly? I'd like to stab him in the eye with a ball point pen!" and so on. The Following was a vain attempt to show others some helpful tips and common sense when dealing with other people. If you end up re-writing your profile page, I still don't like you. Because you not only noticed your folly, you listen to what someone else wrote on the Internet. Are you really that impressionable? Oh! there's something you can put on your profile.

Woman Seeks Winner. Should Not Like Food

Bitter, party of one:

I am so tired of being a Loser-magnet!!! I want a man, not a boy, that is going somewhere in life (other than the refrigerator)!!
Duck and cover, gentlemen. This one's nowhere near over her ex.
I have been burnt too many times
Got that.
and now I am looking to actually be able to live a little.
That's the first step in healing.
A sense of humor is a must because I love to laugh and aggrevate people.
I don't know about you, but I believe her.
I don't want a lazy man. I want someone that will energize me in every imaginable way.
But it remains illegal to plug her into a wall socket.
I feel like I am 30 and have not even began to live. I admit that I love attention and affection, but I also love to give these things to my man.
She probably should have opened with this instead of the "loser-magnet" thing.
So, if you're interested, lets talk and see what happens!
Because I need fodder for my next online profile at I-HATE-ALL-MY-EXES.COM!!!

Worst of the E-mails

So you join a dating site and you write your brilliant profile and lo and behold, the e-mails begin to pour in! Awesome, right? Well...

Message: i am new here and looking to meet some good people. i just want to meet a good friend that i can hold at night and talk to till my voice is gone. is that you?
According to the reader who submitted this, it was not.

Another train wreck of a contact attempt:
Subject: you seem cool
Message: and HOT
Wow. Brevity may be the source of wit, but this level of lame is rarely the source of dates.

Thanks to SD for sharing.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Worst of the Personals Meta: The Cliches of Dating Profiles

There are certain phrases that are used far too often in online personal ads. I'm pretty sure that if the number of people who self-identify as "laid back" were extrapolated to the actual American population, we would find that we're really living in Canada.

Interestingly, the number of people seeking someone "laid back" probably maps fairly closely with the number of people who identify themselves thus, so how is it that so many theoretically easy to please people are alone?

And what role does "drama" play in the laid back pursuit of the laid back? I have yet to see a profile that explicitly indicates a desire for "lots of drama," but hundreds that want none.

There are those profiles that include an odd hodge-podge of elements. How about this one:

I'm very laid-back and no nonsense, so if you like drama, look somewhere else.
Laid back and no nonsense. This is a complicated woman. Here's one I especially like:
Depends on the individual: If you're a nice person, I tend to be laid back and thoughtful.
Otherwise, she'll kill you.

Then there are those who use these pointless terms to reveal a marked lack of discernment. I mean, who couldn't get laid here:
i'm laid back and super non judgemental.
What she's really saying is, "It would be wrong for me to judge you for not showering. Ever. In your life. Come on, EmoBoy, take off those pants."

Here's a perfect example of why this is crap:
I'm very laid back but very opinionated when asked about something.
If you date her because you're looking for someone "laid back," it's probably best to avoid conversations. About anything. Especially things she cares about, because that is obviously where the "laid back" fails.

See, the problem isn't that people try to communicate that they're laid back. The problem is that in truth, very few of us consistently are. If you see a "laid back" person seeking "no drama," you may very well have located one of the worst of the personals.

Man Seeking Perspective


New Yorkers write some bad ass personal ads. Here's one from a 28 year old in the Bronx.

My life is pretty routine. I wake up at the same time everyday, take the same train to the city, do the same job, and come home. The next day is the exact same.
Hubba hubba!
I guess I'm looking for help breaking the vicious cycle of adulthood.
This sentence foreshadows a future of childish outbursts for some lucky lady.
I spent four years in the military where I was able to see most of what the rest of world is like (belive me, there is no better place than the U.S.)
In which to get up, ride the train, go to work, come home, lather, rinse, and repeat.
I like to laugh at everything and anything.
Yeah, us too.
It would be great just to sit home and watch b movies just to chuckle at the horrible acting. I'm sick of bars and the people in them.
Clearly, he is not drinking enough. Nor are the people around him.
Board games are a plus- I'm a huge sore loser so be prepared to be called a cheater and hear me complain about the fixed rules for hours!
Wow! Let's totally play then!
I run and run, four miles minimum almost everyday. And I'll play any sport.
Curling is one of his secret passions.
Big time Yankee and giant fan. If the yanks have the money who cares what they spend it on.
Indeed! And if this guy has any money, it will not be up to you, dear lady, to tell him what to spend it on.
I'll list my faults so there is no shock.
Oh, so the sore loser/pointlessly competitive thing wasn't a fault?
Brutally honest- if you look like a slob I'll tell you.
Oh, he meant YOUR faults.
Most of the time I'm always right, most of the time.
Uh huh. How is this catch still single?
I don't have time for second impressions- maybe I'm a little to judgemental, I have to stop that because there is some great people I passed up.
We refer to them as "the fortunate ones."
Other than that I'm a hard working decent guy. I know where I'm going. I'm a giver. And I enjoy taking care of the right person.
He's a giver, of criticism, complaints, and soul destroying routine. Ladies, really -- don't let this one pass you by.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Woman Seeks Caps Lock Key Presser

I love these:

I WANT SOMEONE THAT IS MATURE FOR HIS AGE, SOMEONE THAT DOES NOT HAVE TO GO OUT AND PARTY ALL OF THE TIME.
I'm sensing that we're instantly getting into some of this woman's reasons for divorcing. Also some grammar issues.
IT IS NICE TO GO OUT AND HAVE FUN, BUT SHOULD NOT BE A NECESSITY.
Yes, fun has unfortunately been optional in most of my relationships as well, hence my penchant for other people's misery.
I AM NEW TO THE DATING WORLD,
I never would have guessed.
SO I GUESS THAT THERE REALLY ARE NO EXPECATIONS FROM ME. I WANT A GUY THAT CAN BE AS HAPPY GOING OUT AS HE CAN BE ABOUT STAYING HOME AND WATCHING TV.
Because TV=... oh, never mind.
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ELSE YOU CAN ALWAYS FIND ME.
Just look for the keyboard with the stuck caps lock key.
I AM ALSO ON THE WEBSITE.
Yes, we've figured that out.
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON!
Wow. Just wow. There's more though, and apparently her caps lock key isn't really stuck.
i am a 28year old mother of 3...I work and usually go home to them..
Points for good parenting.
I like to go out to the movies & dinner and love going to the beach..i also tend to like staying at home & watching a good movie & cuddle.
WITH THE KIDS?!? Oh....

We can only hope that she finds her true love, and they settle in to an inspiring life of flickering images from across the room and rearing her brood of cuddly urchins.

Man Seeking Spell Check

Though most specialists would recommend putting your best foot forward, this 39 year old man could begin with a simple spell check. And maybe skip the part about talking to his mom every day.

i need to say this before you read oni enjoy my life iam happy i have great friends and family. i talk to my mom every day she is my best friend. because of what life as thrown at me iam am more capable to handle things. not every day is perfect. there will be bad with good and i will stand bye you for both.
My gut says that he's not especially concerned about her bad days.
iam better equipt to hanle bad time and am stronger than you know. i will be solid ground. In my own words. i have clawed, dug, climbed, fallen got back up, started over, iam a winner and a loser. a fighter and a true heart.
Also: a joker, a smoker, and a midnight toker. Man, that's a lot of verbs.
i believe children come firs, then family then dating comes 3rd. Iam disabled from being bi-polar have been for awhile. i take medicine so if thats a problem then i dont want you to read on, i get judged enough from people i talk to around town.
I know, I know, bad form to mock the disabled. Skip it...
What else. i fall for someone to fast, care to much, try to hard to make them happy.
"Well boss, I think my greatest weakness is that I just care too much about my work." Also: stalker warning! Stalker warning!
I dont mind driving for someone if it looks like its going good. I want a family of my own weather its have a child or joining you and your childeren i just enjoy hearing laughter a fun. i like to play as uch as they do. i dont like baing left out or ignored.
Bad childhood alert! Bad childhood alert!
i know my place in life what i can do and cant do. 99% of everything i own is paid for. i have no roommates never have.
What about friends?
What i guess i comes down to is i really have to offer is a good home and me. I cant aford to buy cars or take you to fance restruants. no expensive jewlery. no trips to far away places. if you want that dont bother.
Maybe not the strongest close I've seen, but he gets points for bravery.
ok by now i have lost most of you but if you are still hear fell free to end an IM or email.
I'm sure his box is bursting.

Love is...
© The Worst of the Personals - Template by Blogger Sablonlari - Font by Fontspace