Headlines to watch out for

Okay, much better now. Thanks for your patience.

You'd be surprised how many times I've seen the headline "Mom says I'm a catch," or something similar in my perusal of online personals. It's funny, sure, but having seen it a few too many times now, I'm starting to wonder if maybe I shouldn't go find mom's ad.

Here's an exceptional example of terrible headline writing:

hi ladies, love to have fun!!!! would love to tallk sometime maybe we can go out .

No caps, excess punctuation, typos, an extra space thrown in at the end for good measure, and an epic grammar fail! Hubba hubba!

From the TMI files:

Don't let the word Cancer scare you away!

Cancer's scary, but "herpes" will really keep the ladies at bay.

Abysmal cheese alert:

If Love Is A Labor, I'll Slave 'Til The End.

So if you're looking for a friendly servant...

Ooh, contentless buzzphrasing alert!

Strong yet vulnerable

So's my antiperspirant! Maybe they should date!

Serial comma blunder! (This is of interest only to myself and possibly a handful of technical writers ON THE PLANET! Get ready for some inside baseball writer talk, yo!)

Live, Laugh, Love and Enjoy

I don't care what your high school English teacher taught you, unless "Love and Enjoy" are a single item, put a goddamn comma in there already.

But the win, without a doubt, goes to this headline:

A hot attractive woman is what I need, with a big heart.

This is like the tuna roll of profile headlines -- perfectly proportioned, concise, nutrient dense, tasty. Everyone's ultimate drean, in a few simple words: give me someone hot, attractive, with a big big heart. Yeah. Good luck with that.

On break

I'm taking the weekend to address some minor drug addiction issues (i.e. experiencing the joy of withdrawing from nicotine.) In the meantime, amuse yourselves. I'll be back when my brain isn't screaming, probably about 50 hours from now.

Woman Seeks Cartographer to Fix Her Car

I love looking through the women seeking women ads, especially for the bi-curious ladies who haven't a clue what they want. Case in point:

I am a 30 year old professional who has never been with a woman and would love to fulfill some fantasies. Not interested in gay women.

Talk about the blind leading the blind. This is like asking the yard guy to rewire the house or seeing if your butcher will perform a surgery on you. If you really want to know what it's like to be with a woman, why not go with the experts?

Very Worst Profile of the Day

No pictures on this woman's profile, and this is the entirety of her text:

I'm not going to write too much here. If you want to know more, you'll get in touch with me. And if I want to know more about you, I'll ask you.

Why on earth, when search results spawn a zillion profiles, most with a series of often bad but still extant pictures, would anyone want to know more about Ms. Mysterioso here? There's absolutely no reason to contact her except to let her know just how lame an attempt this profile is.

Yes, of course I thought about it. No, I didn't bother.

Woman Seeks To Expand Her Personal Psychodrama

This is just awesome!

hey there......im in search of a woman not a girl to have some fun with. My bf and i would just like to find someone who want to hang out and spend some time together. (ps ) and for the haters out there (Stephanie) when i say bf i mean best friend.....so get it right b4 you want to text him and tell some bull stories......lol....i took another one from ya huh???

Oh. My. God!

Man Seeking Caveats

The forums and message boards on the dating sites are home to many discussions about profiles calling for casual hookups. In general, women state their opposition, and men state something very much like this, taken from an actual profile:

***first off, its says I'm looking for casual sex. This is an OPTION.

Actually, this is a fantasy. Look, in my experience, any date can turn into a one night stand and any not-quite-right budding relationship can be negotiated into a friends with benefits situation, at least in the short term. There's no reason to advertise for it, and I suspect that in general it does act as girl repellent to do so.

If you are also looking for casual sex, and you or I aren't seeing anyone, I'm down.

Wow, a guy who's down for casual sex. What a rarity.

But I won't initiate it or even bring it up.

Because he's already been told to back off by women who find his approach utterly redundant.

If you want something, come get it.

How about a less verbal guy?

If not, then I'll treat you like a friend or maybe something more.

He's really struggling here, isn't he?

If you think that's perverted or don't get it, that' ok too.

What are the odds that he'd meet a woman who doesn't know that men are often open to casual sex? And if he did, what are the odds that he'd have any idea how to create a relationship with her?

Not enjoying traditional online dating?

Maybe you should try Conjugal Harmony. Upside: you'll always know where your mate is. Downside: You usually only get to see your mate behind bulletproof glass.

It says a lot about both me and this site that I can't actually tell if it's fake. The FAQ certainly could be real. Plenty about it appears jokey. As Plenty of Fish tells you in the e-mail entry screen, "DO NOT GIVE MONEY TO ANYONE."